Read this for an AMAZING BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY!!!

I’m not sure if you remember any of the last 5 times I told you, but my friend Niki has written an amazing book, which you can purchase on amazon here. In order to increase sales, I’ve decided we need to start our own direct sales company.

I know what you’re thinking, “WOW! WHAT A GREAT IDEA! But what are you getting out of this deal, Laura?” and that’s a good question. The answer is 75% of all profits. Niki hasn’t agreed to it yet, but she’s going to because all of my ideas are great ideas.

I just need a little help getting our pyramid scheme… I mean… mulit level marketing business model set up. Here are some of the ideas I have so far:

Niki will recruit people underneath her that we will call Literary Experts. Those people will all purchase many copies of Niki’s book. They will ask their friends and families to host parties where they pass out quizzes to determine the best book for the party goers. The answers to all questions will lead to Niki’s book. Literary Experts will sell copies of Niki’s book to party goers (at an increased price, obviously) and recruit other Literary Experts to their team and they will receive a small percentage of the sales of each of their team members. The new team members will also ask friends and family to host parties to sell books and so on and so forth.

To keep our Literary Experts motivated, they will always be striving to reach the next level of sales. Each new level achieved will be rewarded with a motivational text with a picture of me attached.

Pink Level-
5 books sold.
Motivational text: “I know you can do better.”
Picture:

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Blue Level-
20 books sold.
Motivational text: “Great job?”
Picture:

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Silver level-
50 books sold.
Motivational text: “You’ve made me money. I like money.”
Picture:

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Gold level-
100 books sold.
Motivational text: “More! More! MORE! SELL MORE!”
Picture:

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Platinum Level-
1,000 books sold.
Motivational text: “IT’S ABOUT TIME.”
Picture:

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I’m pretty sure our business is perfect, but it still needs a name. If you have any ideas to help with our business, please leave a comment. The reward for your help will be the amazing business opportunity of joining my team of Literary Experts.

Weight loss tips!

I was browsing the Internet recently looking to steal some blog ideas…. I mean… looking for inspiration for some entirely unique blogs. I’ve noticed one popular theme that pops up on blogs all the time- weight loss. So I decided to write a blog giving you a few lesser known weight loss tips. Get excited! Today is the day! Get rid of all those special diet cook books. Throw that treadmill out the window. Stop looking at advertisements promising a bikini body in 3 months because I have all the solutions for you here. On my blog. For free.

Side note- here is a picture of me at my swim suit photo shoot on the beach as proof you can trust me.

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Tip 1: Eat Standing up.

Feel like you’re always either hungry or going over your calorie limit? Just eat standing up. Calories only count when you sit down for a meal with a plate of food. When you’re standing at the kitchen counter shoving 25 cheese itz into your face straight out of the box, the calories definitely don’t count. This is because you’re actually burning calories by frantically chewing before your kids catch you snacking without them.

Tip 2: Sleeping counts as exercise.

Need to get a few more steps in today? Just snuggle up on the couch for a little afternoon nap. Because your children never need you to get up and do more things for them than when you’re trying to sleep.

Tip 3: Watch Sad Movies while on the Treadmill.

It doesn’t even need to be moving. Because standing on a treadmill watching The Notebook and crying so hard that you’re heaving basically burns as many calories as walking on the treadmill and not crying. Probably.

P.S. I need you to go get that treadmill that I told you to throw out the window earlier.

Tip 4: Denial is the best way to maintain your weight.

If you ever start to feel like you’re gaining weight, just slather on a heavy dose of denial. Your clothes don’t fit? They just shrunk in the dryer! The number is rising on the scale? Stupid thing is broken! You suddenly seem larger than all of your friends? They must have all lost weight. How great for them!

 

…. I got hungry and took a snack break (standing, of course) after writing the last tip and lost my train of thought. So that’s all I have for you today. Remember, once you’ve achieved your desired weight by following these simple tips, make sure to show off your new look by rolling around on the beach at sunset like a swim suit model.

 

Million Dollar Idea

I’ve come up with my next million dollar idea- insult napkins. Because nothing is worse than being insulted straight to your face while you’re wiping your mouth.

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I gave this one to my sister while we were eating lunch on vacation. She wasn’t suspicious at all when I handed her a napkin and then smiled at her like this:

She then fired back with this equally clever and not at all copy-cat insult napkin.

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I’m not sure if a product like this already exists, but it doesn’t matter. My napkins come with a charming handmade touch which cannot be duplicated.

If you would like to purchase an insult napkin, please email me at the_author@wordsaboutstuff.com. They’re only one million dollars a piece!

Guest Blog: When You Buy a Kid a Mattress…

I was asked by our super awesome friend Laura if I would guest post on her blog. I was excited to be asked, and scared to death of screwing it up. I felt kind of like how I imagine Jennifer Lawrence must feel anytime she is asked to put on heels and walk up some steps: nervous as hell and afraid of falling on my face. I have spent the last week and a half trying to think of some witty, off-the-wall yet relevant topic to use as my introduction to you, Laura’s readers and fans. It’s has really been a tough order to fill, with all of the sadness occupying to world in recent days. I have, however, been able to experience some of the lighter sides of life, like purchasing my 4 year old’s “big boy” bed. What a therapy-inducing event! I mean, we literally just took the side off his crib in November!!! That being said, this kid sleeps like he is channeling Bruce Lee. Or Chuck Norris. Or Both. This kid has two sleep styles: Auditioning for Enter the Dragon, or emulating a log in the woodpile outside. So off to Sleepy’s we went and dropped a bunch of money on a sweet new mattress that will be destroyed before he turns 8, because what little boy doesn’t turn their bed into a launch pad for their tiny little bodies?

So, we have a 4 year old with a fancy new bed (full-sized at that). We must buy sheets! And not any sheets will do, no sir! No little boy’s room is complete without some loud, obnoxious character sheets and blankets. Off to Target we go (did I mention that I had not only Little Bean, but Daddy Bean with me? No? Well *insert husband groan here*) insert of the perfect new big boy bed sheets. We wander to the bedding aisles after a quick side trip for contact lens cleaner, and behold! About 2 dozen different kid’s bedding sets: Minions, and Ninja Turtles, and Mickey Mouse, OH MY!!! Except they are all twin sized. There were two styles that were made for full sized beds, and Little Bean was NOT interested in having Cinderella or Elsa and Anna staring at him while he slept. Olaf, maybe. After 20 minutes of staring at sheets, I grabbed the first thing that was full sized and walked up to the registers. We still had to go pick up the mattress and box spring (low profile FOR THE WIN!) from the warehouse. I think that this is the first time I have ever walked out of Target with 2 (TWO) things in my bag. SETTING RECORDS, PEOPLE!

Let me set this next part up for you: *back at Sleepy’s* pick out mattress, pay for mattress, confirm same day pick up at warehouse.

Me: Daddy Bean, do you think it will fit in our van?

DB: Oh yeah. It should fit, no problem. We’ll just stow the left middle seat.

Me: Wonderful, now we won’t have to bug anyone for help on a Saturday evening! #Winning!

Sitting at the warehouse loading dock, with a mattress half out of the back of our van because we didn’t account for the enormous car seat in which Little is restrained. Highlight of his day? Sitting in the passenger seat while we shove his new bed into the back and call Grandpa for assistance with transport of the youngin. Get everyone home safely (new mattresses SMELL LIKE PLASTIC!!), get new bedstuffs up to their new home, and open up the mattress plastic. Cue our dog Sam growling at the mattress and refusing to leave the top landing of the step. I instantly begin to panic silently that the mattress is haunted or possessed by Sam’s reflection in the glass door. Daddy Bean eventually gets him to chill and go check out the new smelly thing, and all is right again. While this is happening, I am in the basement washing the new sheets and mattress protector (because I’m smart) and realize that the sheets I got for Little are 800 THREAD COUNT! This kid is sleeping on better sheets than I did on my wedding night!!! Thank goodness for that awesome red clearance sticker!


My Bio:  I’m Gina.  I’m a mom, wife, and student with lots of thoughts about stuff, like organ donation and Comic Sans font.  Once in a while, I feel like my thoughts are funny enough to share with the world on my blog at https://ahealthybeanblog.wordpress.com/ .  I’m not quite ready to take on the world, a la Amy Schumer, so here I am.  Enjoy, or don’t  =)

Guest Blog: Workout Tips

Fitness tips you won’t hear anywhere else (because they are so outstanding, not because they are delusional): When you are working out, always take off your wedding ring or any rings. No, I’m serious. Don’t be a hero. You are already lifting weights- why add the extra tonnage to the one arm? Ouch. Do you really want your left arm to out bulk your right? No way Jose.

Oh, you’ve been working out forever and think you know better than someone working out for 2 days, hmm? You don’t see a difference in your muscles from not having followed my advice? Well, we’ve been talking behind your back- we (the world) can tell a difference. Mr. Leftie is all “whatcha gonna do when Hulkmania runs wild on you?” and Mr. Rightie is all “I’m a T.Rex arm, you can call me Wimpasaurus. Roar.” If you feel the need to retaliate, may I request a right hand only beating?

Second thing- when you step on the scale, if you don’t like the number –step off. Move the scale to another spot on the floor and try again. Same number? Pick up again; move to another spot and stand back on the scale. Repeat until satisfied. What? You made it out to the kitchen and still don’t like the number? That’s fine. Just think of all that exercise bending and lifting the scale, moving it, and walking gave you. New tactic try leaning your weight to your toes and see if that helps. Oh crap- it went up?! Undo, Undo. That number never happened. Now get off- Blow your nose. Step on again- that ought to do it. Take the lowest number as your weight for the day.

Side note- the doctor’s office loses patience when you follow this one on their clock, so you will have to reserve it for at home use only. I attempted to hang bullet points up for them to follow the correct procedure (which I outlined above), but they declined to leave them up… and really to even let me stay in the building. Totally their loss. I will not be deterred.

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Mandy Waysman is a blogger, author, wife, and mom to two daughters. You can find her work on the Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In The Powder Room, BonBon Break, humorwriters.org, Sammiches & Psych Meds, and other parenting sites. She appears in the books Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (and then I had kids) and Memories from Maple Street USA.

She has more personality than this bio would lead you to believe. For proof please follow her as she becomes a regular contributor on http://www.losethecape.com and her current blog http://www.ohmandelynn.com

Enjoy some guest bloggers!

I should have posted this earlier in the week for the people who read my blog but don’t follow me on Facebook. But I didn’t. Consider this your punishment for not following me on Facebook. Just kidding, I mostly just forgot.

ANYWAY, I’m on vacation with my family this week and taking a little blogging break. I don’t want to leave you guys without some funnies to read, so I asked some of my funny friends to help out. So please enjoy this week of guest bloggers, and I’ll be back at it next week!

Guest Blog: Things I learned growing up

There are a lot of things to learn when you’re growing up. We all know about the big stuff like school taught subjects and milestones such as tying your shoes and learning to drive but I want to talk about the small things I learned.

Lesson 1: When you’re 8 years old and you really want to watch TV but your parents are making you play outside, don’t let your best friend convince you to rub mud all over yourself. I mean, the plan seemed pretty brilliant at the time. Get really really dirty then you’ll have to shower and after the shower your parents won’t want you to go back outside again. However, when you live on a ranch, mud isn’t always mud. Fun fact: pigs are actually very clean animals. They only use the restroom in one corner of their pen. Another fun fact: pig poop looks oddly similar to mud.

Lesson 2: When you’re in 3rd grade and you really have to pee, it’s still very important to pay attention to the signs on the doors. You don’t want to be walking out of the boys restroom and find out that they just let out for recess. Boys are mean and you will carry that day with you for a long time. Also, those weird sinks, are not actually sinks.

Lesson 3: When you’re in 4th grade and your birthday is coming up, don’t hand out invitations for a party that isn’t really happening. People will show up and your father will wonder why half the neighborhood is at your house for dinner on a random Tuesday evening. This is something that people will still talk about when you’re 30.

Lesson 4: When you’re 15 and you have your first boyfriend and you know he’s going to give you your first kiss, don’t continuously slather blue raspberry flavored lip smackers on your lips every 2 minutes. It’s very slippery and you’re already wondering which way to tilt your head so when you both lean in for that kiss, you’re not only going to miss his mouth but you’re going to leave a goopy smear of it all over his cheek. Then when you go in for round 2 he’s going to need a napkin to wipe his mouth clean of the waxy deposit you left behind. It will not give you the warm tingles you think you’re going to get.

Lesson 5: When you’re 30 and dealing with the world’s most uncomfortable wedgie, the fact that your office door is shut doesn’t necessarily mean anything to your boss. Having him walk in when you’re elbow deep in wedgiegate2015 will haunt you.

That concludes today’s lessons. Parents, I urge you to please teach your children these things. You’re welcome.

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Nicole Hatfield is the first time published author of Abduction.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01GXWX46K
When she’s not writing you can find her doing really important stuff. Like watching Netflix and hanging out on the interwebs. Follow her on Twitter @author_nicole_h or like her on facebook.com/nkhbooks

Fall, stand, and fall again.

Today I will write the final blog in my Falling series. For now. Until I fall again, which will definitely happen. You can find my first two falling blogs here and here.

On this fateful day, Cody was outside mowing the grass while the kids colored with sidewalk chalk on the driveway. Instead of playing outside with the kids, I was inside playing on my phone like a good mom. In my defense…

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Okay, I thought I was going to think of something while I typed the first half of that sentence, but I’ve got nothing. I have no defense. I just didn’t want to go outside.

After the kids had been outside for about 20 minutes, I heard my three year old daughter yelling for me from the kitchen. It sounded urgent. I could tell she was upset, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. So I ran out of my bedroom, down the hall, and turned into the kitchen to find out what was wrong.

Except once I made it half way through the kitchen, I didn’t have to run anymore.

Instead, my foot landed in a giant, invisible puddle on the kitchen floor, and I went sliding the rest of the way toward her until my knees hit the wooden bench that sits along the same wall as the doorway that leads into the garage.

After recovering from the shock of my sudden slip and slide across the kitchen floor and the searing pain in my knees, I looked down at my daughter to discover the source of the puddle. Apparently she was having so much fun playing with sidewalk chalk that she waited too long to come inside and use the bathroom.

Pee. I slipped in a puddle of pee.

Sometimes having children means having to change your own clothes after your child has an accident.

The day the power went out

It’s been two weeks since this terrible day. I had to take some time to recover before I could write about it. I think I’m ready now.

Two weeks ago, during a storm, I was trying to get my daughter and myself ready to meet my sister for dinner. And then it happened- the power went out. I stood as still as possible hoping for it to flash back on as it sometimes does during a storm, but no such luck. It was out. Here are some of the horrible things I had to do without electricity that day.

1- Entertain my daughter while I got myself ready

Do you know what doesn’t work when the power goes out? The television. Do you know what happens when the television turns off? My children suddenly start searching the house for me so I can entertain them. On the day the power went out, I had to get myself ready to go to dinner with a 3 year old shadow following me around.

It doesn’t sound so bad unless you have your own 3 year old shadow, and then you know what I’m talking about. Every time you turn to try to walk in a different direction, they don’t quite understand that they need to move out of the way. Your shadow will either physically run into you, or you’ll have to pause and ask three times for your shadow to move out of the way so you can continue walking. Rinse and repeat until you want to scream.

2- Use a flashlight to find something to wear in clothes mountain

If you don’t already know about my clothes mountain, you can read about it here. It’s basically a giant mountain of clean clothes in my laundry room that we keep there for maximum organizational purposes.

Searching through clothes mountain on a good day takes some time (or luck). But my laundry room doesn’t have any windows, so on the day the power went out, I had to brave clothes mountain with nothing but a flashlight to guide me.

And don’t forget my shadow. She was there, too.

3- Leave the house with wet hair

Because hair dryers don’t work when the power is out, I was forced to throw my hair in a bun and leave the house with WET HAIR.

I usually do that anyway, but this was the ONE DAY that I was definitely going to try to look nice before leaving the house. Probably. It’s too late now though. I guess we’ll never know how beautiful I could have looked that day.

4- Open the garage door BY HAND

I finally managed to get myself and daughter ready and out of the door only to remember that garage doors also don’t work when the power is out. After a conversation with my husband, I learned how to open the garage door with MY HANDS.

I realize this one sounds overly complain-y because it wasn’t even that hard to do, but there was a bug on the garage door that flew straight toward my face as soon as I started opening it. So as you can imagine, it was a pretty traumatic experience.

 

And that was the day the power went out. This, my dear sweet husband, is why you should probably reevaluate your request to take me camping.