My Anti-Bucket List

I’m always hearing about people making bucket lists of things they want to do before they die. I tried to start one of those because I occasionally try to act like a normal human being, but I could only think of three things before I got bored with making that list.

  1. take many naps
  2. hire a maid
  3. teach my children how to wipe their own butts.

I tried to google other peoples’ bucket lists so I could just copy theirs, but then I realized other peoples’ bucket lists are stupid. So instead I used that list to create my Anti-Bucket list. These are 5 things I hope to never do in my life before I die.

1- Climb Mount Everest
If climbing Mount Everest is on your bucket list, you should probably put it last on the list. I mean… are you TRYING to die? Is that the point of this list? It also sounds super cold and like a lot of exercising. I’m pretty sure I would just faint at the base of the mountain.

2- New Years Eve at Times Square
    You know what I don’t want to do on New Year’s Eve? Spend the whole evening trying not to lose everyone I care about into a sea of drunk people. I also imagine you would find glitter on yourself for weeks afterwards.

3- Sky Diving
I know that you typically jump out of the plane with a professional who knows about things like when to deploy a parachute, but it seems like you’re basically putting your life in the hands of a complete stranger. “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m going to jump out of an airplane, and I’m putting my full trust in you to keep my body from splatting into the ground.”

4- Run a Marathon
Sounds terrible.

5- Sleep Under the Stars
This is just camping. I’ve gone camping before. You’re not going to trick me into doing that again.

 

Well, I would make a longer list, but one of my children needs their butt wiped. Someday they’ll be able to do it themselves. Someday . #ChasingDreams #BucketList

 

 

Waking up is hard.

I’m good at doing a lot of things; like beating candy crush levels, catching pokemon, taking naps, and pie eating contests (I’ve never actually been in one, but I feel like I’d be pretty good at it). But I’m not good at waking up in the morning. This problem has gotten significantly worse since my son started kindergarten a few weeks ago because we now have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn.

It starts the night before by checking to make sure all 50 billion of my alarms are set for the next morning. It looks a little something like this:image1 (24)

I set my first alarm for 6:20 am because I have never been able to go from a deep sleep to jumping out of bed in the morning. I don’t actually need to get up at 6:20 to have us all ready and out the door on time. The goal is that I will wake up to my alarm, turn it off, and fall back into a lighter sleep so when my next alarm goes off, it will be easier to wake up.

What actually happens when my 6:20 alarm goes off, is that I use my phone in my sleep. I don’t even know how to describe what happens here because I have no idea. I’m either confused and think I need to be getting up right away or maybe I think if I play on my phone I’ll wake up a little more. I don’t know. All I know is that most of the time when my next alarm goes off, I wake up drooling with my phone on my face and no memory of what I was trying to do. If you ever receive a mystery message from me at 6:20 in the morning, please ignore.

After that, I groggily turn off all my alarms one by one as they go off until I roll out of bed 20 minutes before we need to leave so I can rush all of us to get ready to be at school on time. That’s my morning. And it’s still August. By January, his teacher should probably just expect me no earlier than 9 am.

The worst part about waking up early is that I can’t even complain about how terrible it is because my husband wakes up an hour earlier than we do. I’ve tried a few times to complain anyway, but he always just looks at me like this.

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In conclusion, if you ask me to do anything for you early in the morning, I’m most definitely going to be late. And if we could just make school start at like noon, that would be great.

Dear Adam Update

Hello readers!!!! Allow me to introduce you to the worst blogger ever.

Me. It’s me. I’m the worst blogger ever. I have not been able to manage getting on a regular writing schedule since my son started kindergarten a few weeks ago. But I hereby solemnly swear to start blogging regularly again.

Starting tomorrow.

Because today I just have a Dear Adam update (read the blog about my scammer friend, Adam, here.) and a hilariously written guest blog from my friend, Niki.

First of all, the update for all those who aren’t followers of my Words About Stuff Facebook page– Adam still hasn’t emailed me back. I have since sent him two follow up emails (both suggestions given by readers), which he has RUDELY also ignored.

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I think it’s safe to say Adam is no longer interesting in guest blogging on my website. I’m not sure why. The list of requirements I gave him are all pretty straight forward and easy to follow. To highlight this fact, my friend Niki offered to write a guest blog about bedding using all of my guest blogging requirements. This will be a funnier read if you first refresh yourselves with my requirements here.

 

Without further ado, here is the guest blog about bedding written by Nicole Hatfield, author of Abduction.

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Dear Adam

I’m sure you’ve noticed my recent absence from my blog. If you’re currently thinking about how you hadn’t even noticed, then you should probably keep that information to yourself because you’re being pretty rude right now. Don’t worry, you guys. I had a really good reason for taking a break from blogging.

My reason is that I didn’t feel like blogging.

But something happened yesterday that brought my blogging inspiration back full force. I received this email at my Words About Stuff email address.

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I don’t know about you, but this email feels pretty scammy to me. I’m not exactly sure how it’s a scam, but considering that approximately 0% of people visit my website looking for information about bedding, one can assume that this person is probably trying to screw me over.

Before emailing him back, I made a post on a mommy forum I frequent (shout out to my online mom friends- HAI GUYS) and asked for some advice in forming a reply. Together, we came up with this masterpiece.

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I’m anxiously awaiting a reply from Adam. It’s been about 24 hours with no response. I remain hopeful that he is using this time to adjust his guest blog to meet my expectations. If he actually does it, I would gladly post his guest blog for free.

Until then, I will continue to think up some guidelines to email Adam. He doesn’t realize it yet, but we are now pen pals.

 

Read this for an AMAZING BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY!!!

I’m not sure if you remember any of the last 5 times I told you, but my friend Niki has written an amazing book, which you can purchase on amazon here. In order to increase sales, I’ve decided we need to start our own direct sales company.

I know what you’re thinking, “WOW! WHAT A GREAT IDEA! But what are you getting out of this deal, Laura?” and that’s a good question. The answer is 75% of all profits. Niki hasn’t agreed to it yet, but she’s going to because all of my ideas are great ideas.

I just need a little help getting our pyramid scheme… I mean… mulit level marketing business model set up. Here are some of the ideas I have so far:

Niki will recruit people underneath her that we will call Literary Experts. Those people will all purchase many copies of Niki’s book. They will ask their friends and families to host parties where they pass out quizzes to determine the best book for the party goers. The answers to all questions will lead to Niki’s book. Literary Experts will sell copies of Niki’s book to party goers (at an increased price, obviously) and recruit other Literary Experts to their team and they will receive a small percentage of the sales of each of their team members. The new team members will also ask friends and family to host parties to sell books and so on and so forth.

To keep our Literary Experts motivated, they will always be striving to reach the next level of sales. Each new level achieved will be rewarded with a motivational text with a picture of me attached.

Pink Level-
5 books sold.
Motivational text: “I know you can do better.”
Picture:

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Blue Level-
20 books sold.
Motivational text: “Great job?”
Picture:

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Silver level-
50 books sold.
Motivational text: “You’ve made me money. I like money.”
Picture:

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Gold level-
100 books sold.
Motivational text: “More! More! MORE! SELL MORE!”
Picture:

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Platinum Level-
1,000 books sold.
Motivational text: “IT’S ABOUT TIME.”
Picture:

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I’m pretty sure our business is perfect, but it still needs a name. If you have any ideas to help with our business, please leave a comment. The reward for your help will be the amazing business opportunity of joining my team of Literary Experts.

Weight loss tips!

I was browsing the Internet recently looking to steal some blog ideas…. I mean… looking for inspiration for some entirely unique blogs. I’ve noticed one popular theme that pops up on blogs all the time- weight loss. So I decided to write a blog giving you a few lesser known weight loss tips. Get excited! Today is the day! Get rid of all those special diet cook books. Throw that treadmill out the window. Stop looking at advertisements promising a bikini body in 3 months because I have all the solutions for you here. On my blog. For free.

Side note- here is a picture of me at my swim suit photo shoot on the beach as proof you can trust me.

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Tip 1: Eat Standing up.

Feel like you’re always either hungry or going over your calorie limit? Just eat standing up. Calories only count when you sit down for a meal with a plate of food. When you’re standing at the kitchen counter shoving 25 cheese itz into your face straight out of the box, the calories definitely don’t count. This is because you’re actually burning calories by frantically chewing before your kids catch you snacking without them.

Tip 2: Sleeping counts as exercise.

Need to get a few more steps in today? Just snuggle up on the couch for a little afternoon nap. Because your children never need you to get up and do more things for them than when you’re trying to sleep.

Tip 3: Watch Sad Movies while on the Treadmill.

It doesn’t even need to be moving. Because standing on a treadmill watching The Notebook and crying so hard that you’re heaving basically burns as many calories as walking on the treadmill and not crying. Probably.

P.S. I need you to go get that treadmill that I told you to throw out the window earlier.

Tip 4: Denial is the best way to maintain your weight.

If you ever start to feel like you’re gaining weight, just slather on a heavy dose of denial. Your clothes don’t fit? They just shrunk in the dryer! The number is rising on the scale? Stupid thing is broken! You suddenly seem larger than all of your friends? They must have all lost weight. How great for them!

 

…. I got hungry and took a snack break (standing, of course) after writing the last tip and lost my train of thought. So that’s all I have for you today. Remember, once you’ve achieved your desired weight by following these simple tips, make sure to show off your new look by rolling around on the beach at sunset like a swim suit model.

 

Million Dollar Idea

I’ve come up with my next million dollar idea- insult napkins. Because nothing is worse than being insulted straight to your face while you’re wiping your mouth.

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I gave this one to my sister while we were eating lunch on vacation. She wasn’t suspicious at all when I handed her a napkin and then smiled at her like this:

She then fired back with this equally clever and not at all copy-cat insult napkin.

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I’m not sure if a product like this already exists, but it doesn’t matter. My napkins come with a charming handmade touch which cannot be duplicated.

If you would like to purchase an insult napkin, please email me at the_author@wordsaboutstuff.com. They’re only one million dollars a piece!

Guest Blog: When You Buy a Kid a Mattress…

I was asked by our super awesome friend Laura if I would guest post on her blog. I was excited to be asked, and scared to death of screwing it up. I felt kind of like how I imagine Jennifer Lawrence must feel anytime she is asked to put on heels and walk up some steps: nervous as hell and afraid of falling on my face. I have spent the last week and a half trying to think of some witty, off-the-wall yet relevant topic to use as my introduction to you, Laura’s readers and fans. It’s has really been a tough order to fill, with all of the sadness occupying to world in recent days. I have, however, been able to experience some of the lighter sides of life, like purchasing my 4 year old’s “big boy” bed. What a therapy-inducing event! I mean, we literally just took the side off his crib in November!!! That being said, this kid sleeps like he is channeling Bruce Lee. Or Chuck Norris. Or Both. This kid has two sleep styles: Auditioning for Enter the Dragon, or emulating a log in the woodpile outside. So off to Sleepy’s we went and dropped a bunch of money on a sweet new mattress that will be destroyed before he turns 8, because what little boy doesn’t turn their bed into a launch pad for their tiny little bodies?

So, we have a 4 year old with a fancy new bed (full-sized at that). We must buy sheets! And not any sheets will do, no sir! No little boy’s room is complete without some loud, obnoxious character sheets and blankets. Off to Target we go (did I mention that I had not only Little Bean, but Daddy Bean with me? No? Well *insert husband groan here*) insert of the perfect new big boy bed sheets. We wander to the bedding aisles after a quick side trip for contact lens cleaner, and behold! About 2 dozen different kid’s bedding sets: Minions, and Ninja Turtles, and Mickey Mouse, OH MY!!! Except they are all twin sized. There were two styles that were made for full sized beds, and Little Bean was NOT interested in having Cinderella or Elsa and Anna staring at him while he slept. Olaf, maybe. After 20 minutes of staring at sheets, I grabbed the first thing that was full sized and walked up to the registers. We still had to go pick up the mattress and box spring (low profile FOR THE WIN!) from the warehouse. I think that this is the first time I have ever walked out of Target with 2 (TWO) things in my bag. SETTING RECORDS, PEOPLE!

Let me set this next part up for you: *back at Sleepy’s* pick out mattress, pay for mattress, confirm same day pick up at warehouse.

Me: Daddy Bean, do you think it will fit in our van?

DB: Oh yeah. It should fit, no problem. We’ll just stow the left middle seat.

Me: Wonderful, now we won’t have to bug anyone for help on a Saturday evening! #Winning!

Sitting at the warehouse loading dock, with a mattress half out of the back of our van because we didn’t account for the enormous car seat in which Little is restrained. Highlight of his day? Sitting in the passenger seat while we shove his new bed into the back and call Grandpa for assistance with transport of the youngin. Get everyone home safely (new mattresses SMELL LIKE PLASTIC!!), get new bedstuffs up to their new home, and open up the mattress plastic. Cue our dog Sam growling at the mattress and refusing to leave the top landing of the step. I instantly begin to panic silently that the mattress is haunted or possessed by Sam’s reflection in the glass door. Daddy Bean eventually gets him to chill and go check out the new smelly thing, and all is right again. While this is happening, I am in the basement washing the new sheets and mattress protector (because I’m smart) and realize that the sheets I got for Little are 800 THREAD COUNT! This kid is sleeping on better sheets than I did on my wedding night!!! Thank goodness for that awesome red clearance sticker!


My Bio:  I’m Gina.  I’m a mom, wife, and student with lots of thoughts about stuff, like organ donation and Comic Sans font.  Once in a while, I feel like my thoughts are funny enough to share with the world on my blog at https://ahealthybeanblog.wordpress.com/ .  I’m not quite ready to take on the world, a la Amy Schumer, so here I am.  Enjoy, or don’t  =)

Guest Blog: Workout Tips

Fitness tips you won’t hear anywhere else (because they are so outstanding, not because they are delusional): When you are working out, always take off your wedding ring or any rings. No, I’m serious. Don’t be a hero. You are already lifting weights- why add the extra tonnage to the one arm? Ouch. Do you really want your left arm to out bulk your right? No way Jose.

Oh, you’ve been working out forever and think you know better than someone working out for 2 days, hmm? You don’t see a difference in your muscles from not having followed my advice? Well, we’ve been talking behind your back- we (the world) can tell a difference. Mr. Leftie is all “whatcha gonna do when Hulkmania runs wild on you?” and Mr. Rightie is all “I’m a T.Rex arm, you can call me Wimpasaurus. Roar.” If you feel the need to retaliate, may I request a right hand only beating?

Second thing- when you step on the scale, if you don’t like the number –step off. Move the scale to another spot on the floor and try again. Same number? Pick up again; move to another spot and stand back on the scale. Repeat until satisfied. What? You made it out to the kitchen and still don’t like the number? That’s fine. Just think of all that exercise bending and lifting the scale, moving it, and walking gave you. New tactic try leaning your weight to your toes and see if that helps. Oh crap- it went up?! Undo, Undo. That number never happened. Now get off- Blow your nose. Step on again- that ought to do it. Take the lowest number as your weight for the day.

Side note- the doctor’s office loses patience when you follow this one on their clock, so you will have to reserve it for at home use only. I attempted to hang bullet points up for them to follow the correct procedure (which I outlined above), but they declined to leave them up… and really to even let me stay in the building. Totally their loss. I will not be deterred.

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Mandy Waysman is a blogger, author, wife, and mom to two daughters. You can find her work on the Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In The Powder Room, BonBon Break, humorwriters.org, Sammiches & Psych Meds, and other parenting sites. She appears in the books Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (and then I had kids) and Memories from Maple Street USA.

She has more personality than this bio would lead you to believe. For proof please follow her as she becomes a regular contributor on http://www.losethecape.com and her current blog http://www.ohmandelynn.com