5 Reasons Why Elf on the Shelf is just the worst.

If you’re not familiar with Elf on the Shelf, then I’m very jealous of the life you lead. In short, Elf on the Shelf is a little, toy sized elf that sits in various places throughout the house during the Christmas season. He is suppose to bring a little childhood mischief while reminding children that Santa “knows if you’ve been bad or good” so remember to listen to your parents!

But let’s break down what this actually means for mom and dad.

1- The misconception that you actually have a choice

Maybe you got on board with Elf on the Shelf right away. It does seem like fun based on all those adorable pictures you see on Facebook. Right?!

But maybe you were a little more hesitant about starting this tradition. That didn’t sound like a job you wanted to sign up for. But then you realized that ummmm WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE PARTICIPATE IN THIS. Your child will inevitably hear other children excitedly discussing what kind of shenanigans little Snowflake the elf will be up to this year. Then the questions will begin.

“Why don’t we have an Elf on the Shelf?”
“Do you think Santa will send us an Elf this year?”
“Why does Jason have an elf, but we don’t?”

The mom guilt begins to settle in deep. So you hesitantly hop on the elf bandwagon while cursing this new tradition under your breath all season long.

2- Purchasing the elf

Elf on the Shelf comes in a box set along with a DVD and book. This box set will cost you approximately 1 arm and 2 legs so start saving up now. Not only does that little jerk make you do a lot of work, but you have to PAY MONEY FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT WORK.

That’s not the only part of purchasing the elf that presents a problem. You also have to figure out how to buy one without your children around AND make sure your children don’t see them for sale everywhere you look because why does Barnes and Noble sell Santa’s magical little helpers?!

3- He’s always watching

Yes, your children. But also you. I know when there are only 5 more days until Christmas, but I still have 2 weeks worth of work to complete on my to do list. I don’t need those creepy, non blinking eyes staring straight into my soul every day to remind me of that fact.

4- Moving the elf

The biggest part of the elf gig is remembering to move the elf every single night after your children are asleep. The book and movie tell us that every night, the elf leaves to go report to Santa. When he comes back, he chooses a new place to sit in the house.

And as if just remembering to move the elf to another shelf every night wasn’t hard enough, a lot of parents have decided to take it to a whole new level. They have their elves getting into all kinds of mischief every night. When the elves aren’t taking marshmallow baths in the sink or riding in Barbie jeeps with their friends, those elves are creating elaborate swings made out of toilet paper rolls to hang from the ceiling.

In my house, this is what day one of Elf on the Shelf looks like.

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So creative, right? Wow. I’m such a good mom.

I don’t even have a picture of what day 30 of elf on the shelf looks like. There’s no time to take pictures when you’re waking up 30 seconds before the kids to throw the elf across the room because you remembered at the last second that you hadn’t moved him the night before.

5- Remembering where you put the elf

After Christmas is over, you can finally breathe a sigh of relief because the elf responsibility is finally off of your shoulders. You may even consider not bringing him back next year. But children don’t forget. THEY DO NOT FORGET. Come next Halloween, they’re already going to be talking about the next time the elf comes back to visit.

So remember where you put that elf. You don’t want to have to buy another one next year. You also don’t want your children to go into the garage looking for last year’s Halloween costume and accidentally see their dust covered friend hanging out in the box effectively destroying the Christmas magic.

But then you wouldn’t have to participate in this terrible tradition anymore…. so that might actually be a good idea…

Anyway, the Christmas season is approaching. So happy elfing, fellow parents!

 

 

Fall Fashion Advice- The Fur Circle

I know my readers look to me for advice in a lot of different areas of life, but there is one place that I have failed all of you so far- fashion. I just have so many other things to teach the world that it hasn’t been a priority yet. BUT I found something recently that I know you will all love. So today, I’m making the time.

I went shopping with my sisters on Tuesday. While we were at Forever 21, I found this magical article of clothing. I call it the Fur Circle.

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What is the purpose of the Fur Circle? Well, I guess if you want to wear it in the obvious way, you could use it as a scarf.

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But that’s boring. This piece is so versatile! I had my sister model it in some different ways show you guys.

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Winter Floaties- You can wear these when you’re feeling nostalgic about summer, but you can’t put on real swim floaties because it’s fall and that would be weird.

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Fur Hat- Who doesn’t need a fur hat? Also, it has an opening on the top so your head doesn’t get too hot.

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Ankle warmers- you can wear these to keep your ankles warm or just to cover up the tops of your socks if you couldn’t find any matching ones that morning.

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Sash- When you want to show people how much you resemble a beauty queen, but you also want your sash to be functional for warmth because you’re a practical person.

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Furry tube top- When you want to sun bathe, but it’s pretty chilly outside.

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Thigh warmers- You kind of have to hold these up to keep them from falling down, but as you can see, it’s pretty worth it to achieve this look.

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Bracelets- it’s jewelry that also keeps your wrists warm. Wow!

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Pretend cat- When you really want a pet cat, but your husband is allergic to cats, you can use the Fur Circle as a cat substitute.

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Sling- If your arm is hurting, but you don’t want to wear an ugly hospital sling, you can use the Fur Circle to cradle your arm in a more fashionable way.

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Slippers- Not only are these super cozy for your feet, but wearing these slippers is also a very effective way to be kicked out of Forever 21.

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So that’s my fall fashion advice. Please note that I was NOT paid to review this product, but I’m going to go ahead and include a link to the Fur Circle because I can’t see any reason why you wouldn’t want one after reading this blog.

The Fur Circle- http://www.forever21.com/Product/Product.aspx?br=F21&category=ACC&productid=1000231715

Kids say weird things.

Sometimes my children say weird things. Like most moms, I usually understand the real meaning behind what they’re saying, but it’s not always convenient or appropriate to explain it to those people around me who may happen to overhear our conversations. Today, I’m going to take some time to translate some of these past conversations for your reading pleasure.


Daughter: “You farted on my cupcake.”

Translation: “I placed my imaginary cupcake right next to your butt. You farted on it.” Why my daughter wouldn’t imagine her cupcake literally anywhere else in the room remains a mystery.


Son: “Good job packing all those clothes!”

Translation: I just folded the clothes. I fold clothes so rarely that my 5 year old doesn’t even know the word to describe it.


Son: “Which pair of socks should I put on? The green pair or the orange pair?”

Translation: One of those pairs he literally just took off of his feet, but he has already forgotten which pair that was.


Son: “What color is the shelf?”

Me: “Which shelf?”
Son: “The brown one.”
Me: “………..”

Translation: My children ask pointless questions.


Daughter: “He is playing with the pickle, but I want it and he won’t give it to me!”

Translation: It’s a pretend pickle. A PRETEND PICKLE. Apparently there is an imaginary pickle limit in this house.


Daughter: (One minute after walking out of the car toward the soccer field for practice) “My legs are so tired!!!”

Translation: “I’m going to make this practice miserable for you and every other person around me.”


Children: “I need to go potty”

Me: “Did you go before we left the house?”
Children: “Yes.”

Translation: No. No they did not.


Me: “It’s a race to see who can clean up the fastest. The winner gets to pick out a tattoo!”
Daughter: “But what about me?”

Translation: “I’m definitely not going to be doing any cleaning.”


Son: “Being in church is like being in your car seat.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Son: “Because you’re trapped.”

Translation: “GET ME OUT OF HERE.”


If you didn’t automatically know all of those translations, don’t be too hard on yourself. I will teach you to be fluent in the language of their people, and if you ever need help translating any of your own conversations with your children, I would be happy to help. I can also help with workplace conversations between coworkers, but I cannot guarantee you won’t be fired if you use any of my translations in front of them.

What to expect if you ever see me on Survivor.

Fall is here and my favorite shows are finally back on! I’m a reality show junkie so I love watching shows like Survivor. I’ve been watching since I was a kid, and I love watching people try to live outside and stir up drama with strangers while I sit at home on my couch eating potato chips.

I’ve had crazy thoughts in the past like, “Maybe I should apply to be on survivor!!” but that thought only lasts about 10 seconds before I think, “LOL.” and go back to watching TV on the couch.

But lately I’ve been thinking about what it would actually be like if I were a contestant on survivor. So just in case that scenario ever plays out, here is what you can expect to see from me.

1- Camp life
If you’ve never seen survivor, then… WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT’S A GREAT SHOW. GO WATCH A SEASON RIGHT NOW AND COME BACK. I’LL WAIT.

…….

Okay, so now that you’re all caught up, first we’ll go over camp life. The first thing the contestants do after arriving on the beach with their tribe mates is set up camp. This involves building a shelter, starting a fire, boiling water, and finding a food source. These are all essential to keeping the tribe strong, and you know… just for staying alive purposes.

I don’t think camp life will really be where my talents shine. I imagine arriving on the beach and immediately flailing around trying to smack all the bugs off of me and only taking a break to sit in the shade to minimize sweating. The problem is that you can’t just sit down and watch everyone else work without looking like a jerk, so I will periodically pretend to faint from the heat so people will bring me water and feel bad for me.

2- Looking for the Immunity Idol
A major part of the game of survivor is the hidden immunity idols. There is usually one hidden in the camp, and they are searched for secretly by the contestants throughout the season. Once found, the immunity idol can be used once to save oneself from being voted out of the game by their tribe.

I don’t think spending my time looking for immunity idols will be my strategy. Instead, after the first 15 minutes at camp when the hunger really starts setting in, I will abandon all thoughts of searching for immunity idols. As soon as I have a moment to sneak around camp, I will instead use that time to secretly check the camera men’s pockets looking for snacks.

3- The Challenge
Every 3 days, the two tribes meet to compete in the immunity challenge. The winning tribe wins the immunity idol which keeps their tribe safe from voting a member out at tribal council.

My team will lose this challenge. And let’s face it… it will be my fault. I WAS JUST SO HUNGRY. ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS PIZZA AND I DIDN’T HEAR JEFF SAY GO. IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE ONLY SCREAMED IT SIXTEEN TIMES BEFORE GIVING UP.

4- Tribal Council
Because my tribe will lose the immunity challenge, we will end up at tribal council that night. Tribal council is when the tribe meets with Jeff (the host) to discuss tribe life and who everyone is considering voting out of the game. It always sucks to be voted out of the tribe, but nobody… NOBODY.. wants to go home first. It’s an embarrassment to tell your friends and family that you’re going on Survivor only to come home just a few days later. Then you have to relive that embarrassment when the episode airs and you’re forever stamped with the title “first one voted out of Survivor.”

……..

………….

I will definitely be the first member voted out of my tribe.

 

So that’s it. I’m pretty sure that’s how my time on Survivor would play out. I’m so sorry that you were excited to hear I was going to be on a reality TV show only to be majorly disappointed. I definitely won’t win a million dollars. I’ll actually probably lose money after stopping at 10 buffets on my way home from the airport.

Anyway, I’m just going to assume that this blog will go viral and the producers of survivor will read it and invite me to be on the show. So make sure to watch me on the next season of survivor- Wednesdays on CBS at 8pm EST time!!!

 

The Art of Overreaction

It’s not easy being the dramatic person in a relationship. You are constantly having to convince your significant other that the worst possible outcome of every scenario is definitely going to happen or that even life’s tiny inconveniences could possibly be the death of you. Cody is always all, “You’re being ridiculous, Laura. Just because the pool is chilly doesn’t mean you’re going to freeze to death” and I have to be like, “Did you SEE the movie Titanic?!” I shouldn’t have to be the only person in this relationship predicting our deaths at every turn.

He has at least stopped arguing with me for the most part. The other day, he didn’t even flinch when I asked him to carry me inside because my flip flops were wet from the rain, and I was definitely going to slip and fall. Other times, he still takes some convincing. Like this conversation that took place between us earlier this summer.

Cody: We should take the kids to Indiana Dunes this summer.
Me: Why?
Cody: It would be fun.
Me: What’s at Indiana Dunes?
Cody: Big sand dunes.
Me: What do you do there?
Cody: Hike?
Me: ……….. So you want to take two young kids to go hiking IN THE DESERT?
Cody: It’s not a desert.
Me: Hiking giant sand dunes in the middle of the summer heat sounds A LOT LIKE VISITING A DESERT.

Please tell me why this conversation should have ever taken place between us. HEAT? HIKING? BUGS? BEING OUTSIDE IN DESERT LIKE CONDITIONS? IT’S LIKE HE DOESN’T EVEN LOVE ME.

There was also the time I was in our bedroom alone, and I thought I heard a noise under the bed. Using my incredible intuition, I immediately knew it was a mouse. I did like any normal person would do, and I panicked. I yelled for Cody who was in the living room, but he didn’t hear me. I called and texted him on his cell phone. No answer. I heard the noise again, and I fainted. And by fainted, I just mean that I fell over and moaned “I’ve fainted!” hoping Cody would hear me.

It turns out there was never a mouse under the bed, but…and I cannot stress this enough…. THERE COULD HAVE BEEN.

Have you seen the movie Finding Nemo? You know the part where Nemo’s dad tells him not to leave the reef and everyone thinks he’s overreacting? AND THEN NEMO GETS KIDNAPPED?

What about The Lion King where Mufasa tells Simba to never go to the shadow land but Simba thinks he’s being ridiculous? AND THEN SIMBA IS ALMOST EATEN BY HYENAS?

Basically, what I’m trying to say is if everyone were more like me, the world would be a safer place. Pools would be warm, no one would ever go to the desert, all mice would be caught, and children’s movies would no longer exist.

 

 

My Anti-Bucket List

I’m always hearing about people making bucket lists of things they want to do before they die. I tried to start one of those because I occasionally try to act like a normal human being, but I could only think of three things before I got bored with making that list.

  1. take many naps
  2. hire a maid
  3. teach my children how to wipe their own butts.

I tried to google other peoples’ bucket lists so I could just copy theirs, but then I realized other peoples’ bucket lists are stupid. So instead I used that list to create my Anti-Bucket list. These are 5 things I hope to never do in my life before I die.

1- Climb Mount Everest
If climbing Mount Everest is on your bucket list, you should probably put it last on the list. I mean… are you TRYING to die? Is that the point of this list? It also sounds super cold and like a lot of exercising. I’m pretty sure I would just faint at the base of the mountain.

2- New Years Eve at Times Square
    You know what I don’t want to do on New Year’s Eve? Spend the whole evening trying not to lose everyone I care about into a sea of drunk people. I also imagine you would find glitter on yourself for weeks afterwards.

3- Sky Diving
I know that you typically jump out of the plane with a professional who knows about things like when to deploy a parachute, but it seems like you’re basically putting your life in the hands of a complete stranger. “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m going to jump out of an airplane, and I’m putting my full trust in you to keep my body from splatting into the ground.”

4- Run a Marathon
Sounds terrible.

5- Sleep Under the Stars
This is just camping. I’ve gone camping before. You’re not going to trick me into doing that again.

 

Well, I would make a longer list, but one of my children needs their butt wiped. Someday they’ll be able to do it themselves. Someday . #ChasingDreams #BucketList

 

 

Waking up is hard.

I’m good at doing a lot of things; like beating candy crush levels, catching pokemon, taking naps, and pie eating contests (I’ve never actually been in one, but I feel like I’d be pretty good at it). But I’m not good at waking up in the morning. This problem has gotten significantly worse since my son started kindergarten a few weeks ago because we now have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn.

It starts the night before by checking to make sure all 50 billion of my alarms are set for the next morning. It looks a little something like this:image1 (24)

I set my first alarm for 6:20 am because I have never been able to go from a deep sleep to jumping out of bed in the morning. I don’t actually need to get up at 6:20 to have us all ready and out the door on time. The goal is that I will wake up to my alarm, turn it off, and fall back into a lighter sleep so when my next alarm goes off, it will be easier to wake up.

What actually happens when my 6:20 alarm goes off, is that I use my phone in my sleep. I don’t even know how to describe what happens here because I have no idea. I’m either confused and think I need to be getting up right away or maybe I think if I play on my phone I’ll wake up a little more. I don’t know. All I know is that most of the time when my next alarm goes off, I wake up drooling with my phone on my face and no memory of what I was trying to do. If you ever receive a mystery message from me at 6:20 in the morning, please ignore.

After that, I groggily turn off all my alarms one by one as they go off until I roll out of bed 20 minutes before we need to leave so I can rush all of us to get ready to be at school on time. That’s my morning. And it’s still August. By January, his teacher should probably just expect me no earlier than 9 am.

The worst part about waking up early is that I can’t even complain about how terrible it is because my husband wakes up an hour earlier than we do. I’ve tried a few times to complain anyway, but he always just looks at me like this.

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In conclusion, if you ask me to do anything for you early in the morning, I’m most definitely going to be late. And if we could just make school start at like noon, that would be great.

Dear Adam Update

Hello readers!!!! Allow me to introduce you to the worst blogger ever.

Me. It’s me. I’m the worst blogger ever. I have not been able to manage getting on a regular writing schedule since my son started kindergarten a few weeks ago. But I hereby solemnly swear to start blogging regularly again.

Starting tomorrow.

Because today I just have a Dear Adam update (read the blog about my scammer friend, Adam, here.) and a hilariously written guest blog from my friend, Niki.

First of all, the update for all those who aren’t followers of my Words About Stuff Facebook page– Adam still hasn’t emailed me back. I have since sent him two follow up emails (both suggestions given by readers), which he has RUDELY also ignored.

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I think it’s safe to say Adam is no longer interesting in guest blogging on my website. I’m not sure why. The list of requirements I gave him are all pretty straight forward and easy to follow. To highlight this fact, my friend Niki offered to write a guest blog about bedding using all of my guest blogging requirements. This will be a funnier read if you first refresh yourselves with my requirements here.

 

Without further ado, here is the guest blog about bedding written by Nicole Hatfield, author of Abduction.

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Dear Adam

I’m sure you’ve noticed my recent absence from my blog. If you’re currently thinking about how you hadn’t even noticed, then you should probably keep that information to yourself because you’re being pretty rude right now. Don’t worry, you guys. I had a really good reason for taking a break from blogging.

My reason is that I didn’t feel like blogging.

But something happened yesterday that brought my blogging inspiration back full force. I received this email at my Words About Stuff email address.

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I don’t know about you, but this email feels pretty scammy to me. I’m not exactly sure how it’s a scam, but considering that approximately 0% of people visit my website looking for information about bedding, one can assume that this person is probably trying to screw me over.

Before emailing him back, I made a post on a mommy forum I frequent (shout out to my online mom friends- HAI GUYS) and asked for some advice in forming a reply. Together, we came up with this masterpiece.

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I’m anxiously awaiting a reply from Adam. It’s been about 24 hours with no response. I remain hopeful that he is using this time to adjust his guest blog to meet my expectations. If he actually does it, I would gladly post his guest blog for free.

Until then, I will continue to think up some guidelines to email Adam. He doesn’t realize it yet, but we are now pen pals.

 

Read this for an AMAZING BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY!!!

I’m not sure if you remember any of the last 5 times I told you, but my friend Niki has written an amazing book, which you can purchase on amazon here. In order to increase sales, I’ve decided we need to start our own direct sales company.

I know what you’re thinking, “WOW! WHAT A GREAT IDEA! But what are you getting out of this deal, Laura?” and that’s a good question. The answer is 75% of all profits. Niki hasn’t agreed to it yet, but she’s going to because all of my ideas are great ideas.

I just need a little help getting our pyramid scheme… I mean… mulit level marketing business model set up. Here are some of the ideas I have so far:

Niki will recruit people underneath her that we will call Literary Experts. Those people will all purchase many copies of Niki’s book. They will ask their friends and families to host parties where they pass out quizzes to determine the best book for the party goers. The answers to all questions will lead to Niki’s book. Literary Experts will sell copies of Niki’s book to party goers (at an increased price, obviously) and recruit other Literary Experts to their team and they will receive a small percentage of the sales of each of their team members. The new team members will also ask friends and family to host parties to sell books and so on and so forth.

To keep our Literary Experts motivated, they will always be striving to reach the next level of sales. Each new level achieved will be rewarded with a motivational text with a picture of me attached.

Pink Level-
5 books sold.
Motivational text: “I know you can do better.”
Picture:

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Blue Level-
20 books sold.
Motivational text: “Great job?”
Picture:

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Silver level-
50 books sold.
Motivational text: “You’ve made me money. I like money.”
Picture:

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Gold level-
100 books sold.
Motivational text: “More! More! MORE! SELL MORE!”
Picture:

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Platinum Level-
1,000 books sold.
Motivational text: “IT’S ABOUT TIME.”
Picture:

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I’m pretty sure our business is perfect, but it still needs a name. If you have any ideas to help with our business, please leave a comment. The reward for your help will be the amazing business opportunity of joining my team of Literary Experts.