There are a lot of things to learn when you’re growing up. We all know about the big stuff like school taught subjects and milestones such as tying your shoes and learning to drive but I want to talk about the small things I learned.
Lesson 1: When you’re 8 years old and you really want to watch TV but your parents are making you play outside, don’t let your best friend convince you to rub mud all over yourself. I mean, the plan seemed pretty brilliant at the time. Get really really dirty then you’ll have to shower and after the shower your parents won’t want you to go back outside again. However, when you live on a ranch, mud isn’t always mud. Fun fact: pigs are actually very clean animals. They only use the restroom in one corner of their pen. Another fun fact: pig poop looks oddly similar to mud.
Lesson 2: When you’re in 3rd grade and you really have to pee, it’s still very important to pay attention to the signs on the doors. You don’t want to be walking out of the boys restroom and find out that they just let out for recess. Boys are mean and you will carry that day with you for a long time. Also, those weird sinks, are not actually sinks.
Lesson 3: When you’re in 4th grade and your birthday is coming up, don’t hand out invitations for a party that isn’t really happening. People will show up and your father will wonder why half the neighborhood is at your house for dinner on a random Tuesday evening. This is something that people will still talk about when you’re 30.
Lesson 4: When you’re 15 and you have your first boyfriend and you know he’s going to give you your first kiss, don’t continuously slather blue raspberry flavored lip smackers on your lips every 2 minutes. It’s very slippery and you’re already wondering which way to tilt your head so when you both lean in for that kiss, you’re not only going to miss his mouth but you’re going to leave a goopy smear of it all over his cheek. Then when you go in for round 2 he’s going to need a napkin to wipe his mouth clean of the waxy deposit you left behind. It will not give you the warm tingles you think you’re going to get.
Lesson 5: When you’re 30 and dealing with the world’s most uncomfortable wedgie, the fact that your office door is shut doesn’t necessarily mean anything to your boss. Having him walk in when you’re elbow deep in wedgiegate2015 will haunt you.
That concludes today’s lessons. Parents, I urge you to please teach your children these things. You’re welcome.
Nicole Hatfield is the first time published author of Abduction.
When she’s not writing you can find her doing really important stuff. Like watching Netflix and hanging out on the interwebs. Follow her on Twitter @author_nicole_h or like her on facebook.com/nkhbooks