Sometimes my children say weird things. Like most moms, I usually understand the real meaning behind what they’re saying, but it’s not always convenient or appropriate to explain it to those people around me who may happen to overhear our conversations. Today, I’m going to take some time to translate some of these past conversations for your reading pleasure.
Daughter: “You farted on my cupcake.”
Translation: “I placed my imaginary cupcake right next to your butt. You farted on it.” Why my daughter wouldn’t imagine her cupcake literally anywhere else in the room remains a mystery.
Son: “Good job packing all those clothes!”
Translation: I just folded the clothes. I fold clothes so rarely that my 5 year old doesn’t even know the word to describe it.
Son: “Which pair of socks should I put on? The green pair or the orange pair?”
Translation: One of those pairs he literally just took off of his feet, but he has already forgotten which pair that was.
Son: “What color is the shelf?”
Me: “Which shelf?”
Son: “The brown one.”
Translation: My children ask pointless questions.
Daughter: “He is playing with the pickle, but I want it and he won’t give it to me!”
Translation: It’s a pretend pickle. A PRETEND PICKLE. Apparently there is an imaginary pickle limit in this house.
Daughter: (One minute after walking out of the car toward the soccer field for practice) “My legs are so tired!!!”
Translation: “I’m going to make this practice miserable for you and every other person around me.”
Children: “I need to go potty”
Me: “Did you go before we left the house?”
Translation: No. No they did not.
Me: “It’s a race to see who can clean up the fastest. The winner gets to pick out a tattoo!”
Daughter: “But what about me?”
Translation: “I’m definitely not going to be doing any cleaning.”
Son: “Being in church is like being in your car seat.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Son: “Because you’re trapped.”
Translation: “GET ME OUT OF HERE.”
If you didn’t automatically know all of those translations, don’t be too hard on yourself. I will teach you to be fluent in the language of their people, and if you ever need help translating any of your own conversations with your children, I would be happy to help. I can also help with workplace conversations between coworkers, but I cannot guarantee you won’t be fired if you use any of my translations in front of them.