The Interview

Yesterday, author Nicole Hatfield (you can find her fast paced, suspenseful, page turning book here) asked if she could interview me. I’m not really sure why because I didn’t ask questions. But if I had to guess, I would bet it’s for her next book. The title will probably be,

The Interview of a Lifetime-
The day I spoke with the author of Words about Stuff which changed my life forever.

Or something like that. The following is our exchange.

Before I start, I just want say that I love your blog!!! It cracks me up every time. You have a way of making everyday innocuous things super funny and relatable! I just have a few questions I’ve been wanting to ask you.

1. What pant leg do you put on first? I need to know if and how Internet fame has changed your process.

I would say my pants process all depends on how I feel on any given day.

If I’m feeling thin, I ask my husband to hold my pants up so I can leap into them like a ballerina. If I’m feeling particularly bloated, I lay down on my back and slide around on the floor like a slug until my legs find their way into some pants or until I get tired and take a nap. Whichever comes first.

2. If you could extinguish one thing from the world, what would it be?

The goo inside of pumpkins. It’s just so aggressively gooey.

3. Do you have a schedule you follow for writing or do you just write when inspiration hits?

I got bored half way through reading that question so I’m just going to skip it.

4. What’s your favorite bubble gum flavor, and how many different uses for gum can you come up with besides chewing and blowing bubbles?

I actually don’t chew gum. I’m so lazy that even my mouth hates to exercise.

As far as other uses, I have many ideas.

1- You can use it like a hair tie to keep your hair out of your face.

2- You can cover all your window frames and door knobs in chewed gum to get excellent finger prints in the event of intruders.

3- You can stick it to the bottom of your childrens’ shoes to slow them down so they can’t run away from you as quickly.

5. What animal would you compare your sexual prowess to?

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6. If you were a serial killer what would your weapon be?

Extra long fingers for maximum tickling power.

7. What pick up line do you most commonly hear from men?

I’m always hearing the same pick up line from men, “M’am, please remove your hand from my ass before I call the cops. This is inappropriate.”

8. What is the laziest thing you’ve ever done?

I’m not really sure where you got the impression that I’m lazy. I do things. Here is a picture of me at the beach just the other day.

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9. When you wrestle (eventually, this will happen) what is your favorite medium? Oil? Jello? Maybe ketchup?

I’m trying to imagine in what life scenario I’d end up wrestling someone. I’m pretty sure the only time I would willingly do some form of exercise would be over the last stray French fry found in the couch during an apocalypse. In that case, I’m going with ketchup.

10. If you had to live the rest of your life as toilet paper, would type would you be (one or two ply? soft or strong?) ?

Charmin ultra strong because that’s literally the only brand of toilet paper I could think of after I read this question.

 

And that concludes our interview. I decided to type it up as a blog because I’m sure every single one of you had these exact same burning questions about me. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but based on this interview… I CAN’T WAIT TO READ NICOLE’S NEXT BOOK WHICH IS DEFINITELY GOING TO BE ABOUT ME!!!

 

The great toe injury of 2016.

I’m not always super great at walking. I’ve recently stopped wearing flip flops in the rain because of the increased risk of falling. I’m basically an 85 year old woman who is worried about breaking a hip on the slick parking lot outside of the Walmart.

This blog entry will be the second installment of my Falling Series. You can read the first one here. I have at least one more add to the series after this, and probably many more to add as I continue to live this life of unfortunate mishaps. So gather around, friends. Have a seat by the fire and cuddle up with your kitty cat as I tell you the story of The Great Toe Injury of 2016.

We (my husband, myself, and our children) had just pulled into the garage late at night on Easter after a full day of festivities. It had started raining right before we left my parent’s house, so the bottom of my flip flops were covered in a thin layer of water. As I was opening the door to step out of the car, I thought to myself, “It’s wet outside. Don’t slip.”

So I slipped.

When we park in the garage, the passenger side door of our Explorer lines up directly across from the concrete step below the door that leads into our house. As soon as my foot hit the ground, it IMMEDIATELY slid across the floor and my big toe slammed into the concrete step.

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(Here is a picture of what I’m talking about with an arrow pointing to the offending step. You can also see all of our garage junk. Stop judging me. I CAN FEEL IT THROUGH THIS SCREEN. STOP IT.)

When my toe hit the concrete step, I heard it pop and felt an immediate wave of nausea and pain. Cody couldn’t tell the degree to which I was actually hurt because of my tendency to immediately fall to the ground and start moaning every time I hurt myself regardless of the severity. But THIS really freaking hurt.

It was almost midnight, and I didn’t want to drive to the ER with two kids in the middle of the night for a toe injury. So I spent the night in pain. This is the part of the story where you feel bad for me. I’ll wait.

……………..
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Okay. Thank you for the sympathy. I’ll be anxiously awaiting your cards in the mail. Anyway, the next day I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I went to my doctor who sent me for an X ray because apparently the big toe is important for walking. It turned out my toe wasn’t broken and nothing could be done besides wrapping it and hobbling around until it felt better.

BUT don’t feel too bad for me and my multiple falling injuries because there is always a bright side. When I looked down at the X ray paper my doctor handed me to take to the hospital, I saw that my diagnosis was “Injury to the great toe”. So now not only does my toe make an amazing popping noise every time I bend it, but I also have a cool new name for my big toe.

6 things that don’t need to be hammocks

Twice this week, Cody has sent me links to hammock products. One was a hammock tent and the other was a hammock hot tub. I’m not really sure where he got the idea that I am obsessed with all things hammock, but it gave me the idea for this blog so something good came out of the hammock miscommunication.

In theory, I like the idea of a hammock. It combines the two things that I like most in the world- laying down and doing nothing. However, I’ve laid in a hammock before and the idea and the reality just don’t match up.

First of all, the reality of laying in a hammock, is that you are laying OUTSIDE where the sun and bugs live. Enough said. And second of all, do you know how hard it is to assume the laying position in a hammock?! This lady knows.

I’ve seen a trend it mixing products with hammocks, and it seems like people are just trying to make my life harder. Because of this, here is my list of things that don’t need to be hammocks.

1. Hammock Boat-

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This seems like a great idea! Who doesn’t want to lay down in a relaxing hammock while floating on a lake? It’s a great idea until you move too suddenly and find yourself twisted up in a hammock FACE DOWN IN THE WATER. Who wants to die today? Hop on my hammock boat!

2. Friendship Hammock-

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I do not see a situation in my life where I would need to lay outside with two other people in a hammock circle.

3. Hammock Bed-

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I feel anxious just looking at this picture. There is nothing but a handful of strings keeping this man from falling to his death. I hope no one decides to cannon ball onto this bed. And what if you’re a sleep drooler? Anyone standing below you might get a nice little drool shower as it slipped right through your net bed.

4. Hot Tub Hammock-

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This just seems like a lot of work. So you have to tie your hammock to two trees in the wilderness, fill it with water, attach a water heater, climb in without spilling all the water, then remove the water heater, dump the water, dry out the hammock, and pack it back up? WOW, SO EASY. This sounds like something I would buy and only use once.

5. Hammock Tent-

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As if camping weren’t bad enough already, why don’t you attach your tent to a tree so you can worry about falling to your death all night long? Also, how are you suppose to get in and out of this tent? Scale the tree? Does someone else sleep on the ground and hold a latter when anyone needs to pee at night?

6. Cat Hammock-

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Okay, this one is just adorable. Consider me pro-cat hammock.

Sorry for slamming all of your products, hammock inventors. It’s nothing against you personally. I just really like complaining about totally inconsequential things that don’t affect my life whatsoever. If I ever try your products and change my mind, I promise to write a blog titled “6 reasons why I was wrong about hammocks.”

The day I went outside.

Yesterday, my sister (Emily) invited me and the kids to a local apple orchard to pick strawberries. Yes, I know I just blew your mind. We were picking strawberries at an apple orchard. And get this- they also have baby goats you can feed and pet. I feel like they should rename it to a Strawapple Goatchard. Or maybe not. There’s probably a reason people don’t ask me to name things.

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, then it won’t surprise you that the outdoors and I are not very good friends. I went anyway because the children probably need to learn what outside is and because I’m a good and selfless person.

Emily, however, loves being outside. She loves to garden and to… do other things that people do outside. That’s all I could come up with because I’m not familiar with those kinds of things. This is how Emily looks on a typical day.

And this is how I look on a typical day.

And if you don’t believe me, then here is real life picture evidence.

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Look at her! She’s like a strawberry picking model. There are no pictures of me picking strawberries. I couldn’t possibly stop to pose for a picture because I was spending all my time swatting bugs away from my face. I find the best way kill a pesky gnat is to slap yourself in the face when it lands on you. It not only kills the bug, but also serves as a reminder that you are actually awake and not living in a nightmare like you were starting to believe.

And as if all the bugs weren’t enough, both of my children and I had to pee while we were there. Do you know where you have to use the bathroom at a Strawapple Goatchard? A porta potty.

A porta potty is just a hot, sweaty box where stranger’s leave their bodily fluids. I don’t want to stand in a porta potty long enough for me to pee, but yesterday, I had to stand in a porta potty long enough for myself and two children to pee.

It’s probably going to be awhile before I go outside again, so until my next outdoor adventure, please enjoy this selfie I took with a baby goat. As it turns out, baby goats suck at taking selfies. They also try to eat your wedding ring when you aren’t looking.

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I’m just a toddler with a computer.

I’m not the most technologically savvy person in the world. That was a bit of an understatement. I’m basically just a toddler with a computer. Because of this, creating this blog has been quite an adventure (read: I have no idea what I’m doing).

Every time I attempt something new, my husband (Cody) basically comes home to me looking like this.

Cody is way better at computering than I am. He has done most of the work so far. Great job, Cody! But neither one of us has ever created or maintained a website before, so this is new to him, too.

We’ve been heavily relying on our friends at BAMWX for website advice. If you haven’t heard of them, BAMWX is a company that provides private and commercial weather consulting for all of Indiana and Illinois, western Ohio, southern Michigan, and northern Kentucky. They are the most accurate weather service available.

If you haven’t already, please follow all their social media pages:

Website
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram

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And while you’re there, thank them for giving me free website advice. At least… I hope it’s free. I guess they never actually said the word “free”.

BRB. I just need to change my phone number, create a new identity, and move to another house real quick.

5 Reasons Why Exercising is THE WORST.

We all know the basic equation for healthy living. Eating well + Exercising = Healthy. The problem is that exercising is basically just a combination of all the things I hate in the world. The other problem is that Doritos + Buffalo Chicken Dip = Yum, but that’s a problem for another day. For now, here is a list of reasons why exercising is terrible.

1) The dread
Step one of working out is the pre-work out dread. I spend no less than two hours thinking about how much I do NOT want to work out. Dragging myself to the gym is harder than dragging my three year old out of the McDonald’s play area. The only difference being that she at least gets to nap in her car seat after the exhausting struggle of getting to the car while I can’t even do that because I have to, you know, DRIVE.

2) Realizing how out of shape I am
After forcing myself to actually go to the gym, I climb on the elliptical and get to work. For approximately the first four seconds, I feel great about myself. Then the inner monologue begins. It goes a little something like this. “What? This is easy. Why don’t I do this every day? Look at me! I’m exercising! Okay, this is getting slightly more difficult. I feel sweaty. Oh God. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I can’t breathe. Do you think other people can hear me wheezing? How long has it been? ONLY TWO MINUTES?!?!” I do not appreciate the reality of how out of shape I am slapping me in the face like that.

3) Sweating
Apparently my reward for moving too much is my body crying tears of smelly fluid all over me. This is about the time that I start looking around to see if anyone else is sweating as much as I am because nobody wants to be the sweatiest person at the gym. Unless they hand out trophies for that kind of thing. Do they have sweaty people awards? I don’t know. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked out.

4)  Strangers looking at me
I don’t want strangers looking at me at the best of times, but I certainly don’t want strangers looking at me while I’m wheezing and covered in smelly sweat tears. Let’s all just agree to keep our eyeballs to ourselves. I realize I just mentioned how I compare my own sweaty shirt to everyone else’s, but as usual, I’m the exception to my own rules.

5) Disappointment in lack of immediate results
I’m a bit of a goldfish when it comes to my attention span. When I’m on the Internet and a website takes longer than five seconds to load, I get bored and give up because WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME ON THEIR HANDS?  Seeing the results of exercise in my own body apparently takes some sort of dedication to working out, though I wouldn’t really know because I’m definitely not doing this again tomorrow.

In conclusion… I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. MAKE IT STOP.

What I Would Do if I Were in a Horror Movie

Earlier today, I received this message from one of my loyal blog readers.

“I apologize in advance for this super creepy comment from a complete stranger! I showed my coworkers your blog yesterday and they love it. We were dying, and talking about how sadly accurate everything is! So last night I had this dream we were stranded in the woods running from a blob of goo. I swear it was much, much scarier than it sounds. But the whole time you were freaking hilarious. Could you do a blog post about what you would do if you were trapped in a horror movie? I need to know how accurate my dream is, and like I said I’m really sorry that this is probably the creepiest thing anyone has ever said to you.”

Even though this is definitely the weirdest message I’ve received so far, lucky for you, adoring fan, you’ve said two things to make me love you anyway.

  1. You think I’m hilarious and
  2. You dream about me

Because you’ve sufficiently flattered me, I’m going to make all your dreams come true and write a blog about What I Would Do if I Were in a Horror Movie. For anyone else out there hoping to be caught in a horror movie like scenario with me, let me tell you how terrible you are at choosing a side kick. Here’s why:

Once there is a something or someone terrifying chasing you, you pretty much only have three options- run, fight, or hide. Calling for help would also be an option in the real world, but we’re in a horror movie so all of the phones have obviously been disconnected, and we’re in the middle of nowhere so no one can hear us scream. So let’s break down our three options.

Running– I’m in terrible shape. I mean, literally the worst. When I say I’m going to “run to the store to and grab some milk”, what I actually mean is I’m going to drive to the store, find the closest possible parking spot, and complain the entire time that I have to walk a mile to the back of the store all the way to damn milk. I may or may not be sweating by the time I’m back to my car with the milk. So I’m definitely not going to outrun Leatherface, who has obviously been preparing for this hunt his entire life. Let’s just go ahead and cross this option off our list.

Fighting– This seems like a fairly viable option. If I could just get this monster on the ground, I could definitely sit on his chest and crush him with my weight. My friend, Donuts, and I have been preparing for that scenario for many years. However, I would first have to defeat my opponent, probably with a weapon of some sort. I have zero experience with weapons of any kind. I’m the kind of person who sees a knife sitting on the counter and will scoot it further away from me just in case it magically flies through the air all on its own. Let’s assume this is not the best choice for me and move on to our final option.

Hiding– I do have some experience with the game hide and seek, both from when I was a child, and playing with my children now. I’m pretty sure this would be my go to option if I were ever being hunted by Pennywise or a blob of goo. There are only two problems with the hiding option.

  1. There’s no way I’m fitting in the kitchen cabinets or in a child’s toy box. I’m pretty much limited to hiding places that are big enough to hide a full grown adult. I doubt Michael Myers is going to be stumped when he walks into a bedroom and the only viable hiding places are under the bed or in the closet.
  2. Let’s assume I find a really amazing hiding spot. Exactly how long am I suppose to wait there? I don’t want to decide it’s safe and jump out of my hiding spot right into the arms of Freddy Krueger. We’ve already established that running is not an option here. Do I just wait there until someone saves me? I’m already bored just thinking about it. Can I really be expected just to sit there and NOT play candy crush on my phone? (and no, I still can’t use my phone to call for help. There’s no cell service in horror movies.)

Anyway, from this break down, I think we can all agree that my only contribution to a horror movie situation would be my humor. Though I will likely just immediately pee myself and die of a heart attack so you’re on your own, friends!

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How to Apply Sunscreen to Your Child.

Step one: Buy Sunscreen

This sounds easy enough. Just drive to your nearest super store, find the sunscreen aisle, and grab some sunscreen. Except there are approximately one billion different options. Do you want spray sunscreen or regular spread with your hands sunscreen? How much SPF do you want? Do you want the bottle with the cute baby on the front or the one with bananas on the label? Why are their so many CHOICES?

Step two: Remember where you put the sunscreen

This is sometimes the most difficult step. Where did you put that sunscreen you just bought? The swim bag? Bathroom? Did you leave it in the back of the car? Did one of the kids run off with it? Did it roll under the couch? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE TO RUN TO THE STORE TO BUY MORE SUNSCREEN?

Step three: Apply to your child

Your child doesn’t want to wear sunscreen today, or ever. So this is going to be a task. Try luring your child into the room with the promise of turning on Caillou or other annoying television show of their choice. Once your child has become a television zombie, take the opportunity to apply the sunscreen.

This is where spray sunscreen really comes in handy. You can just spray your child in a cloud of sunscreen and hope you covered everything. If you chose regular sunscreen that you have to apply with your hands, then that super sucks for you.

Step four: Dealing with greasy sunscreen hands

I hope you don’t need to open anything today.

Step five: Apply sunscreen to yourself

Now that you’re officially running 20 minutes late, it’s tempting to skip the sunscreen for yourself and run out the door. But remember when you were rubbing sunscreen on your kid’s back and right in the middle, your other child needed you to open the bathroom door for him? So you wiped what was on your hands all down your thighs in an attempt to degrease your hands. Now if you decide to skip the sunscreen, you’re going to end up with a tan everywhere EXCEPT that hand streak on your thighs.

 

And there are your how to instructions for sunscreen. Please feel free to print this off and attach it to your fridge for future reference. Don’t get me wrong, it definitely won’t make this process any easier or more fun. But at least my blog would be hanging on someone’s fridge, and that’s pretty cool, right?

Nightmares- a poem about parenting.

Nightmares

The boy has a nightmare.
He yells in the night.
So you run to his room,
And you turn on the light.

You read him a story,
And tuck him back in.
“Will you stay here with me?”
He asks, with a grin.

“Of course,” you reply,
And settle in to his bed.
You both fall asleep quickly
Your hand stroking his head.

You sleep for awhile,
In this small, little space.
Until you wake up,
With his foot in your face.

But he’s just so adorable.
You breathe it all in.
Because some day your boys,
Will grow up to be men.

Some day he won’t need you,
The way he does now.
You’ll learn to adjust.
You’re just now sure how.

You fall back to sleep,
With these thoughts in your head.
Then you wake up again,
Because your kid wet the bed.