I was browsing the Internet recently looking to steal some blog ideas…. I mean… looking for inspiration for some entirely unique blogs. I’ve noticed one popular theme that pops up on blogs all the time- weight loss. So I decided to write a blog giving you a few lesser known weight loss tips. Get excited! Today is the day! Get rid of all those special diet cook books. Throw that treadmill out the window. Stop looking at advertisements promising a bikini body in 3 months because I have all the solutions for you here. On my blog. For free.
Side note- here is a picture of me at my swim suit photo shoot on the beach as proof you can trust me.
Tip 1: Eat Standing up.
Feel like you’re always either hungry or going over your calorie limit? Just eat standing up. Calories only count when you sit down for a meal with a plate of food. When you’re standing at the kitchen counter shoving 25 cheese itz into your face straight out of the box, the calories definitely don’t count. This is because you’re actually burning calories by frantically chewing before your kids catch you snacking without them.
Tip 2: Sleeping counts as exercise.
Need to get a few more steps in today? Just snuggle up on the couch for a little afternoon nap. Because your children never need you to get up and do more things for them than when you’re trying to sleep.
Tip 3: Watch Sad Movies while on the Treadmill.
It doesn’t even need to be moving. Because standing on a treadmill watching The Notebook and crying so hard that you’re heaving basically burns as many calories as walking on the treadmill and not crying. Probably.
P.S. I need you to go get that treadmill that I told you to throw out the window earlier.
Tip 4: Denial is the best way to maintain your weight.
If you ever start to feel like you’re gaining weight, just slather on a heavy dose of denial. Your clothes don’t fit? They just shrunk in the dryer! The number is rising on the scale? Stupid thing is broken! You suddenly seem larger than all of your friends? They must have all lost weight. How great for them!
…. I got hungry and took a snack break (standing, of course) after writing the last tip and lost my train of thought. So that’s all I have for you today. Remember, once you’ve achieved your desired weight by following these simple tips, make sure to show off your new look by rolling around on the beach at sunset like a swim suit model.