What to expect if you ever see me on Survivor.

Fall is here and my favorite shows are finally back on! I’m a reality show junkie so I love watching shows like Survivor. I’ve been watching since I was a kid, and I love watching people try to live outside and stir up drama with strangers while I sit at home on my couch eating potato chips.

I’ve had crazy thoughts in the past like, “Maybe I should apply to be on survivor!!” but that thought only lasts about 10 seconds before I think, “LOL.” and go back to watching TV on the couch.

But lately I’ve been thinking about what it would actually be like if I were a contestant on survivor. So just in case that scenario ever plays out, here is what you can expect to see from me.

1- Camp life
If you’ve never seen survivor, then… WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT’S A GREAT SHOW. GO WATCH A SEASON RIGHT NOW AND COME BACK. I’LL WAIT.

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Okay, so now that you’re all caught up, first we’ll go over camp life. The first thing the contestants do after arriving on the beach with their tribe mates is set up camp. This involves building a shelter, starting a fire, boiling water, and finding a food source. These are all essential to keeping the tribe strong, and you know… just for staying alive purposes.

I don’t think camp life will really be where my talents shine. I imagine arriving on the beach and immediately flailing around trying to smack all the bugs off of me and only taking a break to sit in the shade to minimize sweating. The problem is that you can’t just sit down and watch everyone else work without looking like a jerk, so I will periodically pretend to faint from the heat so people will bring me water and feel bad for me.

2- Looking for the Immunity Idol
A major part of the game of survivor is the hidden immunity idols. There is usually one hidden in the camp, and they are searched for secretly by the contestants throughout the season. Once found, the immunity idol can be used once to save oneself from being voted out of the game by their tribe.

I don’t think spending my time looking for immunity idols will be my strategy. Instead, after the first 15 minutes at camp when the hunger really starts setting in, I will abandon all thoughts of searching for immunity idols. As soon as I have a moment to sneak around camp, I will instead use that time to secretly check the camera men’s pockets looking for snacks.

3- The Challenge
Every 3 days, the two tribes meet to compete in the immunity challenge. The winning tribe wins the immunity idol which keeps their tribe safe from voting a member out at tribal council.

My team will lose this challenge. And let’s face it… it will be my fault. I WAS JUST SO HUNGRY. ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS PIZZA AND I DIDN’T HEAR JEFF SAY GO. IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE ONLY SCREAMED IT SIXTEEN TIMES BEFORE GIVING UP.

4- Tribal Council
Because my tribe will lose the immunity challenge, we will end up at tribal council that night. Tribal council is when the tribe meets with Jeff (the host) to discuss tribe life and who everyone is considering voting out of the game. It always sucks to be voted out of the tribe, but nobody… NOBODY.. wants to go home first. It’s an embarrassment to tell your friends and family that you’re going on Survivor only to come home just a few days later. Then you have to relive that embarrassment when the episode airs and you’re forever stamped with the title “first one voted out of Survivor.”

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I will definitely be the first member voted out of my tribe.

 

So that’s it. I’m pretty sure that’s how my time on Survivor would play out. I’m so sorry that you were excited to hear I was going to be on a reality TV show only to be majorly disappointed. I definitely won’t win a million dollars. I’ll actually probably lose money after stopping at 10 buffets on my way home from the airport.

Anyway, I’m just going to assume that this blog will go viral and the producers of survivor will read it and invite me to be on the show. So make sure to watch me on the next season of survivor- Wednesdays on CBS at 8pm EST time!!!

 

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